An Introduction To Kinky Sex

I think many black women are sexually repressed.

And in all fairness there’s no way we wouldn’t be since many of us grew up in conservative religious households where the overriding message on sex is, “Don’t do it until you’re married,” where “it” isn’t fully explained or explored in any real, informative, non-shaming manner.

Also, Slut shaming is still very common in the black community and grown women are still commenting on they “don’t just give their goodies away,” or pride themselves on their low numbers as if their lady parts are the greatest gift they can give or man or their self-worth is attached to how “pure” they are. Women  are worth more than their lady parts and it’s past time we as women, as black women, stop using them as a barometer of how valuable or worthy we are to be loved or married.

Too often it feels as if women in general and black women in particular think of their pleasure in terms of how they can please a man and not how they can please themselves. It’s always about giving him some, making him feel good or whether you are a freak in bed, for his pleasure of course.

It’s high time black women claim their pleasure as a right for themselves and not solely in the context of what can be done to please a man. The Good Girl’s Gide to Kinky Sex is a primer for all things sexual and all things kinky. Too many of us are stuck in acceptable bounds of sexuality though we may have a kinky center or at least a curiosity of the sexual other. Too often I think we’re worried about what someone will think of us if we say we like certain things or, worse yet, what we may think of ourselves.

With that said, we all know “kinky,” is relative. What may be kinky to one person is clearly the norm for someone else. The idea with this guide to look at all areas of sex and sexuality and possibly try new things you may have never thought of or spice up some of the old things you’ve already been doing, but ultimately the idea is to inform and educate so at the very lease you will know what’s possible. Each week I will explore a different aspect of sex and sexuality and how it can apply to one’s life. This week serves as an introduction to the wide array of sexual practices that consist of more than one man/one woman missionary (and it’s variants) sex.

Talk Dirty to Me

Most people like a little dirty talk from time to time. It’s a good way to get the party started before you actually get the party started. Think of it as the pre-game show. Talking dirty can consist of, but is not limited to: phone sex, sexting (text sex), dirty emails and naughty verbage before, during and after sex.

Oral and Anal Sex

Oral and anal sex would be considered normal for many people, but there are plenty of black women were engaging in these sexual acts would be stepping outside of their comfort zone. Oral sex consists of mouth to genitals and mouth to anus. And anal sex can include all varieties of anal play from penis-in-anus to fingers, fists, and various toys inserted in the anus.

Pictures and Video

Since men have been able to capture images they’ve been photographing the naked body. Some of the earliest motion pictures were images of naked women exercising and involved in other physical activity. Hell, long before the camera came into play painters and sculptors were painting nude bodies (Michelangelo’s David anyone?), so it’s no surprise that people like to film and photograph their sexual activity. There can be something petty erotic about watching yourself in the most intimate of moments.

Sex Toys and Mutual Masturbation

This is petty self-explanatory.  But sex toys aren’t just made for solo use. They are a great way to spice up the bedroom with a partner. Mutual masturbation with or without sex toys can be a great addition to foreplay and an easy way to make sure folk are ready to go before the main even begins. Or it can be the main event.

BDSM

BDSM stands for Bondage, Domination, and Sadomasochism. This is a huge category that can include the relatively simple: handcuffs, silk ties, hair pulling and spanking. To the more severe: Dominatrix and submissive play, whips, chains and outright torture.

Threesomes or Menage a Trois

This is a very common fantasy. It involves any combination of three people (2 men 1 woman, 2 women 1 man, 3 women) involved in sexual activity.

Group Sex

Just an extension of the menage a trois with four or more people

Swinging

Swinging is often misunderstood and is simply associated with a married or committed couple swapping sexual partners with another married or committed couple usually at a party or club. However, it isn’t quite that simple. From Wikipedia:

• Soft swinging: having sexual intercourse with a partner while two or more other people perform sex acts in the immediate vicinity.
• Soft swap: having oral sex with someone other than one’s partner. Often a type of swinging that new couples choose before eventually trying a full swap, although many couples stay “soft swap” for personal or safety related reasons.
• Full swap: having penetrative sex with someone other than one’s partner. Although this is the commonly understood definition of swinging, it is not necessarily the most common type.

Lesbian Sex

Many women are interested in being with another woman sans a man or threesome situation. It is a very common fantasy. This doesn’t necessarily mean she’s looking to have a relationship with a woman but is interested in a sexual experience with one.

Role Playing

Many people like to spice up the bedroom by pretending to be different people or by placing themselves in erotic situations. Sexual role playing can be as simple as playing patient and nurse to darker role playing fantasies such as playing rapist and rape victim.

Fisting

From Wikipedia: Fisting is a sexual activity that involves inserting a hand into the vagina or rectum. Typically, fisting does not involve forcing the clenched fist into the vagina or rectum. Instead, all five fingers are kept straight and held as close together as possible (forming a beak-like shape, casually referred to as a “silent duck”), then slowly inserted into a well-lubricated vagina or rectum.

Waterworks and Other Bodily Fluid Play

Waterworks, commonly referred to as golden showers, refers to a sex act that involves sexual play with urine. Be it being urinated on or someone urinating in you, you’re deriving sexual pleasure from your or your partner’s urine. Other bodily fluid/excrement sexual play can involve menstrual blood and fecal matter as well as sperm which can include facials, pearl necklaces, bukkae, or other sperm meet body action.

Tantric Sex

We can thank stars like Sting and Sean “Diddy” Combs for our knowledge of tantric sex. But the question becomes, what is tantra exactly? Well, Discovery Health offers answers:

…the Tantric model, the sexual experience is seen as a dance with no beginning or end. There is no goal, only the present moment of exquisite union. For this reason, lovemaking is meditative, expressive and intimate. Tantra teaches lovers how to extend the peak of their sexual ecstasy so that women and men can experience several orgasms in a single sexual encounter.

Basically, the idea is to stop focusing on the orgasm and start focusing on each other.  Turn sex into a journey instead of a goal and ultimately everyone is pleased in the end.

So there you have it – The Good Girl’s Guide to Kinky Sex. Let me know if I’ve missed something and I will add it to the list. Every week we will explore each topic more in depth, looking at the pros, cons, and how-tos of each and how you can incorporate them into your own life. I’m looking forward to this series and hope you are too.

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