Your Orgasm is Your Responsibility


Own Your Orgasm

A fact older women realize and younger women are learning, is that your orgasm is your responsibility. So often I hear women complaining about how bad a lover was and how they didn’t even have an orgasm. Now there are many things that can make a guy a bad lover, but the not orgasming part, well, that one’s on you. Not him.

Now don’t get me wrong there are two instances when the lack of an orgasm on a woman’s part is definitely the man’s fault:

1. Erectile dysfunction – yep this effects young men as well, not just the over 40 crowd. If he can’t get or keep an erection then there isn’t much you can do about that.

2. Premature ejaculation – anybody over the age of 18 should have this under control and if they don’t, there isn’t a whole lot you as a woman can do about it. He’s at least gotta give you enough time to get there.

However, other than the two aforementioned scenarios, your lack of an orgasm is squarely on your shoulders. You can’t blame anyone else if you don’t have one. In my life, I take a very proactive approach to sex. I feel my orgasm is my responsibility and I act accordingly. I know what gets me off. I know where and how I like to be touched, the necessary pressure and the positions that work best. If he’s not a sex guru (and most men are not) that’s fine, I can take control of the situation and make sure we both leave satisfied and pleased.

Now if you don’t know what you like, I suggest you find out. We all hope for the guy who is the reincarnation of Mandingo and just intuitively knows what we want and how we like it, but that’s not reality and it’s unfair pressure to any new lover you may take on. If ya’ll are just meeting, how is he supposed to know what you like? If you don’t articulate your desires how is he supposed to help you reach the peak? Hell, if you’re not sure what it takes to get you to that mountaintop, how is anyone else supposed to know?

So if you’re one of these women who is constantly complaining about the orgasms you’re not having, I suggest you take some time, light some candles, throw on some soft music, and get to know yourself. Throw some toys in the mix if you’re comfortable with that sort of thing. But whatever it takes, learn what’s going to get you there, so the next time someone is doing it for you, you’ll be assured to cross the finish line.





  1. Glennisha Morgan 14 years ago

    I totally agree !

  2. Anonymous 14 years ago


  3. Vivrant Thang 14 years ago

    I couldn’t agree more. I’ve been fortunate that 90% of my lovers also cared about my pleasure – almost as much as theirs so most of my experiences have been pleasurable. But I’m so glad I learned at probably too early an age what it took to please Vivrant.

  4. JJ 14 years ago

    I wish more women would realize this. You can’t rely on the benevolence of a man to get you there. Luckily i’ve had generous lovers as well but I’ve had some selfish f*cks as well. You gotta do you or no one else will.

  5. Shazza 14 years ago

    it is so true… we need to say how, where and when we like it…
    i for one can never complain about bad lovers… hence i came to the decision tio be celibate… because with the right person, and enough passion, i have discovered, i can make sex magical:)

  6. Bryan Wilhite 14 years ago

    Now you are talking! Too, too many sisters forget that a Black nerd can be a nerd about waxing that ass. This means nerdy things like redefining the “number” of “times” I have had “sex” by counting the number of times THE WOMAN has an orgasm. Unlike so-called “rough necks,” we nerds don’t like to cheat on the numbers. Fortunately it can take ONE sister who has a healthy sense of orgasm that can increase my numbers by a factor of 1000—a DIRECT measurable advantage to resepcting women.

    On the other side of the Roman coin is the sister who is ‘confident’ that she is unable to have an orgasm. The animal temptation is to have sex with her anyway. Now I am old enough to not trust these women… at all… and respect the idea that these sexual encounters have the same status as serious meditation practice… sexuality should be treated like yoga class… get to work ladies!

  7. Petula Wright 14 years ago

    You have definitely got that right!

  8. Roshill 14 years ago

    DAMN !! Girl you got me talking i think you’re right i really didn’t know that women cared about orgasms . Now i will make it a responsibility to watch kamasutra and learn the fine art on how to get the job well done!.

    I don’t even know how my GF will feel about this never did see a girl you know orgasm . Can you tell me how can i tell when she is getting around that point ?..!

  9. Teddybear Sr. 14 years ago

    dam roshill..if you never seen a girl orgasm…wow.

  10. candy 14 years ago

    i dont agree with this because if he loved u, he is going to make sure that you are satisfied. i do agree that if you are just fucking around, it is your responsiblity but if you are couple, i do believe that if he cares about you, he is going to do whatever it takes.

  11. Loveofmystery 10 years ago

    Great post and it challenges me on my own advice! I would argue that not even in those scenarios because even if you partner has ED, you can ask him to pleasure you with his fingers, mouth, toys or what have you. It’s still on you to create the space and ask for you what you want! That’s the hard part sometimes.

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