Stop Playing Wife If Your Man’s Not Playing Husband

Playing Wife

Stop Playing Wife When You’re Just A Girlfriend

To all the desperate women out there: Stop it. You’re making it hard for the rest of us. I’m tired of encountering men who seem to believe all they have to do is look good, have a degree and smile to have my panties fall off.

I’m tired of the men who’s first question seems to be: Can you to cook? To which I reply: Yes. I can. But I won’t be doing it for you.

I’m tired of the men who call at all times of night, asking to come over and “chill” as I let them know that it’s too late to be at my crib and what ever “chilling” they want to do can be done between the hours of 9 and 10.

Or how about the men who don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of but seem to think it’s their right in life to have a “dime.” And that my extra fly ass should be grateful that they even said hello to me and can’t possibly understand why I’m not leaping up and down at the prospect of being with them.

And please, don’t get me started on all of the men who tell me that I want them as much as they want me. Right. So all those texts and phone calls I didn’t return didn’t send the message that I wasn’t interested , huh?

The reason why so many men today think that they have to do so little to attract quality chicks, is because they don’t. Too many women out here will do whatever it takes to find, get and keep a man, turning the whole natural order of the dating world on its head. Women are doing the chasing and men are doing the choosing. And apparently I’m the only one who seems to think something is wrong with that.

I’m old school. I may only be 28, but I was raised to believe that it’s a man’s job to court me. He does the chasing. I do the choosing. Simple. And effective. But now, because of the very real demographic differences among a certain section of the Black community, women are doing whatever it takes to get a man. And I do mean whatever.

If that means cooking, cleaning, sexing, cow towing, begging, pleading, giving money to, letting live with, catching a case for (no lie) or just being a 21st century rendition of a Geisha with none of the perks who completely takes Destiny’s Child “Cater to You” to heart with little to no reciprocation, then so be it. If that’s what it takes to get and keep a man, then that is what too many women are willing do.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t get down like that. As I have had to tell one too many men: I am not your wife. And even if I was, I wouldn’t be bending over backward to cater to you. If you want 150% from me, then you better be giving me 150% in return. But don’t expect to operate on 10% and expect me to give you 150. If you’re operating on 10%, I’m operating on 20 and that’s just because I’m nice–sometimes.

To put simply: I give as good as I get. You wanna wife, you need to put a ring on my finger. I don’t play wife, unless you’re playing husband. A sentiment I wish more young women would take to heart.


  1. ingridspeak 13 years ago

    Amen! I am so with you on that one. As a reformed whatever it takes woman, let me tell you once you recognize you are damn good by yourself it makes you more likely to choose rather than chase. But you made a good point about women flipping dating on its ear. I wish we call all learn this lesson. Then maybe so many of us could quit crying the blues over some man who only gave 10%. Fair exchange is no robbery.

  2. JJ 13 years ago

    I had “Stand By Your Man” syndrome bad with this one dude when I was younger. I don’t know where I contracted the illness because my momma wasn’t that type of woman.But I can tell you…if a man wants to be with you he will be with you. You don’t have to do all of that. And at this point in my life, I refuse.Hell if it means I have to be alone, then so be it. ‘Cause I am NOT a floor mat to be walked ove.

  3. Anonymous 13 years ago

    I feel like if you’re getting husband material from your mate then you should give wife material in return. If it’s not the case, then end it and move on before anyone gets hurt.

  4. clnmike 13 years ago

    “…. it’s a man’s job to court me. He does the chasing. I do the choosing.”As it should be, cant argue with that problem is, there is very little reason to chase any woman now a days.

  5. Paul Eilers 13 years ago

    You go, girl!

  6. JJ 13 years ago

    @clnmikeDepends on the man. My experience men go after what they want. They want you, they will chase you.

  7. The 78 Ms. J 13 years ago

    I completely agree with this and you are right, if only this message was getting to who it needed to reach.

  8. DigitalSleep 13 years ago

    While for the most part, I would agree with you and how you feel. I have a lot of female friends, and I find myself asking them why would they settle for so little when they have so much to offer. I don’t think anyone, men or women should settle for crap. I teach my girls to put on their beatem in the head helmets, because they will need them. I do feel like the real truth of your thoughts got to little shine, if you give 150% then you should get the same in return. That’s only right. I really think a man should be a man and do his best to set this world on fire, but I do think some of your ideas on courting are dated, I think a mutual chase is healthy for both.

  9. JJ 13 years ago

    @digitalsleepPerhaps. But experience has taught me , if he’s not chasing you then he’s not that interested. So why bother?Now, I’m a firm believer in whoever asks who out should pay. And when I ask I pay. But as far as chasing a guy…that still doesn’t go over well if you’re a woman.Besides it’s not like women don’t lay most of the groundwork so the man can chase them.

  10. A 13 years ago

    Bravo!!!! This catering stuff is new to me. I’m a Southern girl who’s drawn to gentlemen (at least that’s what they try to be on the outside), so me doing more is new. I’ve JUST learned to give more when someone’s really deserving of it and not just sit back and be catered to in a serious relationship.

  11. Angry African 13 years ago

    Busy catching up after my time in China and Bucks County. Very different places. Just stopped by to say one EXCELLENT post. So true. So, so true.

  12. Anonymous 13 years ago

    no one is perfect not even you. Sometimes you might have to see potential. And take a look in a mirror because think to yourself why am i attracting these kind of men. while you r throwing out numbers here is one 50/50

  13. JJ 13 years ago

    @ anonymousRelationships aren’t 50/50. They are 100/100.I notice “potential” just fine. Assholeness on the other hand is also something I notice but choose not to deal with.This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about simple respect and reciprocation. I give as god as get. But don’t expect me to give my all and dude is give nothing.That’s not a relationship.

  14. Anonymous 13 years ago


  15. Southern Belle 13 years ago

    Amen!!! As my Mudear used to say, “Tell the truth and shame the Devil!!”

  16. Poet 13 years ago

    it’s about time somebody put in words that maybe my friends can understand! u r offically added to by favorites..if i hear on more P i don’t understand this or that story i’m going to break something. my friends say i’m mean but if by mean u really meant i know my worth and won’t stoop for the bs then i’ll be mean all day…when did it become cool to lower ur self worth and standards just to say you have somebody? sisters stop settling for whatever your stepping over in the gutter it’s a reason y his ass is there to begin with!

  17. coco 13 years ago

    GIrl, thank you for putting that so well, I agree 100%. Im so sick of these men it aint even funny. A man will only do what you allow, and like you said, we have to be the ones to change our actions. I will be adding you to my bookmarks!

  18. youknowyoudeadazzwrong 13 years ago

    You better go head!!!! I’m coming to you by way of Necole Bitchie! She featured you on her blog and I’m go glad she did! You are now one of my favorite bloggers!

  19. Anonymous 13 years ago

    I read your blog post on Necole Bitchie’s site! That blog just made my day and reminded me of the way things should be. We woman should not be chasing these men. I have to admit that I am guilty by trying to get and keep a man. And chasing him, that is so not in my character and I still found some way to do it! I am a changed young lady now and you have just confirmed my thoughts. Thanks girl!

  20. Miss April Joy 13 years ago

    girl you better work, I saw your post on Necole Bitchie and this just made my day, its what I have been trying to say for awhile and it was so true and a wonderful read

  21. Adrienne 13 years ago

    I also was sent here by way of Necole and I agreed with your post so much that I had to come over here and show you some love! I too am 28 and have noticed the same things you have. I think another reason men feel that they can be choosey, is that women outnumber them by like 3 to 1. Even with a shortage of men, there is still no excuse for chasing a man. If you have any self-worth, you know that you are worthy of being pursued and not the other way around. Thank you for writing this. I loved reading it and I am glad to know I am not the ONLY sista who feels the same way.

  22. Anonymous 13 years ago

    I totally agree!! Good to know that I am not the only woman who feels this way. Def hard to find a man that weants to “court” his women, when he’s so used to getting his ass kiss and being chased around town. It all stems from family, Mothers and Fathers teach you son how to treat women…

  23. F.U. 13 years ago

    You ain’t neva lied! Well maybe you have, but not about this! Black women, unfortunately, are desperate for love, attention, and the Cinderella happy ending. Because of this, they allow themselves to stay in ‘relationships’ that they know damn well are only hurting them, choosing to be ‘blind’ to the fact that they give their bodies, their hearts, their souls and their tears to men who could give two shits about them. And why? Because having somebody – just any ol’ body is better than being alone. It is sad situation that I don’t see changing anytime soon, unfortunately.Black women are more powerful than ever before. Making more money, thoroughly educated, business savvy, and have the ability to do anything and be anybody BUT they still don’t feel complete unless they have a man by their side – and it doesn’t matter if this man is deserving of them or not. There is always the hope that they can change him. He’ll see how good I am and then he’ll be good to me. It is a syndrome and an ugly cycle. As a black woman, I see it all day long among my friends, family, and even on my damn TV. I don’t have the tolerance, the patience or the need to deal with anybody (male or female) in any kind of relationship who isn’t giving the same 1,000% that I give. People have told me that I shouldn’t expect a whole lot from people because you will just end up disappointed. I think that is bull. Until proven otherwise, I believe in expecting and receiving the best from everybody because you will always get the best from me. When you show your ass is when I’m done. No excuses, no explanations, no thank you.Anyway, thank you for putting this out there. Even if only woman has decided that she’s done playin wifey to some man that only calls her when his other jumpoff is busy, then you have made your point and made a difference.Keep doin whatchu do!

  24. J.I. 13 years ago

    I could not agree more. Quite a few men I know act like gods amoung us mere mortal women. Hopefully enough women will read this and learn.

  25. kayellejaye 13 years ago

    Preach on sistah! I agree 100%.

  26. Anonymous 13 years ago

    You trippin…

  27. NaturallyAlise 13 years ago

    Thank you for this blog girl! I have a few chicks I need to send this too ‘imme-jiatley’, and no raggedy ninja is gonna buy the cow when they are getting milk, butter,yogurt AND ice cream for free…..

  28. Soopa Starr 13 years ago

    CHUUUCH!!!! And sadly, with black men, the more educated and financially set they are, they reaaaaalllly feel themselves extra hard. Ugh.

  29. yes 13 years ago

    *snaps* boy dating is a messim puttin this on facebookim feeling the music too

  30. Belle is... 13 years ago

    You killed this. I threw it up on my blog (with credit and a link, of course) because you so summed up my thoughts on the matter and I couldn’t have said it better. Thanks, mama. Great blog, btw. Demetria abelleinbrooklyn

  31. Loni 13 years ago

    someone stole your words

  32. Anonymous 13 years ago
  33. stilettos 13 years ago

    That’s what up!

  34. Chaunece 13 years ago

    As a young female (20) I whole-heartedly agree with you. I wish I could find the words to express this to my peers. I look at whats going on around me and I’m really confused as to what these people are thinking! Thank you for this

  35. foreverloyal 13 years ago

    In complete agreement.

  36. Mrs. d 13 years ago

    This is something I have tried to communicate to younger women but I am seen as old fashioned. I am so glad to see a young sister with this mindset. Honey, you keep writing and keep telling the truth!! Great post.

  37. Anonymous 13 years ago

    More young women need to read this. This is excellent. I don’t understand why women have started bending over backwards for men that don’t deserve it. I’m very quick to let go when I meet a guy and I find that he doesn’t want to put in what he wants out of a relationship.

  38. The Lady 13 years ago

    Excellent post. I love this blog.

  39. THE 78' MS. J 13 years ago

    You will be happy to know that this post has offically become a web classic. How do I know? I just got this entire post in my email, and I was like wait…I read this I know who wrote it. Congrats on official Web Celeb status.

  40. JJ 13 years ago

    @the 78′ ms. jlol. Thanx.I realized something was up when I posted it to global grind…about a week after the original post…and I got about 300 hits from there alone.I was like, “Damn. I must hit a nerve with this one.”lol.

  41. MangoButtahQueen 13 years ago

    You sure did!!! Thanks for letting me know that I;m not the only person out here thinking the same thing!!!

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